By Will Durst

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Hey guys, Will Durst, your candidate for Lieutenant Governor from the State of Confusion, here to warn you about a dangerous conspiracy being foisted on an unsuspecting American public. A malignancy so embedded, it is guaranteed to be lurking in your refrigerator right now. Poised to poison your person. Yes, I’m talking about the terrible torment that is… Milk. Heifer Hooch. Guernsey Juice. Raw, skim, 2%, whole, condensed, evaporated or goat. Its all the same thing: depravity in a glass.

Because he’s bankrolled by fat cat, out of state dairy bosses, my opponent doesn’t want you to know that Milk is responsible for more damage to this country than any other liquid. And contrary to the wishes of Ordinary Americans, he continues to support corrupt and unconscionable Milk subsidies. Think of it: our military forced to kill the enemies of freedom using outdated technologies just so entrenched special interest groups like public school kids can drink Milk.

Simply by ridding our nation of this terrorist fluid, we could generate jobs, decrease the deficit, stop wasteful spending, keep Sharia law from being implemented in suburban municipalities, and improve the education system to insure our children a brighter future with the triumph of the free market over socialism. Outlawing Milk would also improve our air and water quality and nourish families by inhibiting male pattern baldness and erectile dysfunction. Rather than wasting the malevolent opalescence, I suggest we exhaust current inventories by bathing in it like 30s starlets.

This isn’t just about Milk, but its seditious sisters as well, butter and cheese, not to mention, sour cream. Milk causes phlegm, chalky tongue, bloating and the humiliation of adults photographed wearing Milk mustaches. Most experts agree that Milk is the ultimate gateway drug. 99% of all heroin addicts began their descent into substance abuse hell by initially succumbing to the temptations of Milk. Excepting the lactose intolerant. Or as I like to call them: the Lucky.

Ask yourself, where does Milk come from? Mostly cows. Passive and ubiquitous, scattered over the countryside, watching and waiting like bovine sleeper cells. Till the cows come home? Yeah, with state secrets. Mad cow disease? That’s Milk in a nutshell. Cry over spilt Milk? No, rejoice. What about female human breasts? Do I have to remind you how obscene and opposed to everything pure and holy they are? Didn’t think so.

My opposition sneeringly refers to Milk as “The Perfect Food,” but try drinking as little as 3 gallons in a day. You’ll die. Doesn’t sound so perfect to me. Sure. Sure. At first glance Milk seems innocuous enough with that soft white milky appearance, but think how quickly this substance can turn dark and foreboding with the simple addition of a few tablespoons of chocolate. Something else they won’t tell you: Milk was the name of a known San Francisco Supervisor and practicing homosexual. Ever hear the phrase, “Milked him dry.” Not a pretty thought, is it?

Don’t be fooled by this plague of protein’s propaganda. Nothing less than the future of this country is at stake. Pasteurized is just another way of saying fluoridated. From now on, whenever you see one of those Got Milk ads, just remember, it might as well read, Got Infantilizing Pinko Perversion? And if you vote for my opponent, you’ll have it in spades. I’m Will Durst and I approve this ad. Paid for by The Committee for Goodness and Decency.

Will Durst is a San Francisco based political columnist who frequently tells jokes. On stage.